Authentic Relationship can form in unlikely, and sometimes precarious ways.
Even Felines Desire Authentic Relationships, or Maybe Just a Belly Rub
Imagine you are walking down a suburb, and you suddenly you see the cutest, chunky calico cat. It looks at you and slowly walks towards you. You can sense this cat gets lots of love and food. To make it even more irresistible, it rolls onto its back, begging you to rub its belly. This is vulnerability, the second step to developing authentic relationships.
When you reach down and rub the cat's belly, what are you feeling?
Here is a creature putting itself in a very precarious position. It's trusting you to some extent. You might feel even more compelled to call it a "pretty kitty", and pet it.
Vulnerability Parallels Authentic Relationships
Similarly, we do this in our own relationships. As we get to know each other, we show our vulnerability with those we judge worthy. Maybe some bad things happened to us. Maybe we did bad things, and we fully regret it. These, then become almost impromptu confessionals.
Sometimes, when you do this to the right person, it is not only appreciated, but also reciprocated.
Sometimes it doesn't work out so well. There are awkward silences, and silent vows never to share anything to another human being again. Only sharing to precious kitties that deserve belly rubs. Maybe five of them, and we will all live together happily...but I digress.
One of the interesting paradoxes of showing this type of vulnerability is not necessarily a sign of weakness. It can come from a place of courage. The languorous calico could instantly become a savage woodchipper made of sharp teeth and claws. In some ways, it asks us to trust it as well.
Slow Down
In developing authentic relationships, we need this give and take of vulnerability in an organic way. When do we share our deepest, darkest secrets? Hopefully never.
- But we can at least share our regrets, and what we learned from them. Emotional openness can be scary, I know.
- We can open up about our hopes for the year, month, or week. This is a simple communication skill you can start with.
- Let the other person reciprocate or not. Trust building takes time.
- Start small. If you make a grand gesture from the beginning, it can make things awkward,
It's a dance of words and feelings. The main steps you really need to take for this dance are: listening, and observing.
Over time, you will make many mistakes, and maybe cross some boundaries that made things a bit uncomfortable. Make sure to say sorry for the mistakes you've made, dust yourself off, and use what you've learned. Over time, you will be more comfortable with yourself. Eventually you will be courageous enough to be vulnerable, and new doors to personal growth will open.